Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan