Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding