Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
You Might Also Like
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes