Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

that’s really how it is

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

who called it hell and not heaven’t

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.