Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

A small tragedy.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….