Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
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*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.