Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

being a writer on Twitter:

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )