Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”