“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I falcon love using swear birds
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.