“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
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me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me trying to reach for my goals
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.