Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.