Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.