Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao