Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Beware of the dog..
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.