Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
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[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
who wore it better?
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?