Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
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My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Venn
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low