Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.