Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.