Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
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Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.