Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
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God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no