Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

Like sleeping!

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

Sir!!

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart