‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.