@joeljeffrey

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

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@ojedge

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

@carlyken

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

@JediGigi

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

@Troman88

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

@Sarcasticsapien

Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.

@HowToBeADad

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

@jordan_stratton

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

@lovemydogduck

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.