Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
You Might Also Like
X-tra spooky blend
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.