@joeljeffrey

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

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@aksorojas

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

@Faux_Ma

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

@Megatronic13

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

@Fred_Delicious

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

@Darlainky

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

@impJOKER

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

@kirkobainz

If white people know how to say Daenerys Targaryen, they can learn to pronounce your name correctly.

@MartaEffing

Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?

@BadMikeyBad

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start