Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

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sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.


Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”


Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??



If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”


[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.


‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’


If white people know how to say Daenerys Targaryen, they can learn to pronounce your name correctly.


Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?


I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start