Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
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I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
“fuck you and the horse you rode in on” is a top tier saying like idk what the horse did but fuck them too for bringing ur ass here
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too