Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
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These fireworks are awesome! High four!
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
thank god
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
This is I, Robot all over again
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.