Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
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Just had my nails done!
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
This one, by a wide margin
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”