Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
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Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
phew
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece