Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
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[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Holy crap this is wonderful
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.