Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on