Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
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[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.