Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
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Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I’d love this…lol
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?