Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
You Might Also Like
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.