Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
You Might Also Like
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Wait a minute
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.