Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

My time has come.

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

Salad is the decaf of food.

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …