2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
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i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I hate Instagram
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look