Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

The Onion called it…again.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter