Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
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Waking up has backfired on me so many times
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.