Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

I put the h in mysterious.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me