Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense