Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1240613743123406848/pu/vid/480x848/02CeCLaO_XioxlMp.mp4?tag=10

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.