Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.