Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

podcasts

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.