Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
You Might Also Like
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Sooo many times…..
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”