Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
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Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend