Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

Comparing yourself to others

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

*eats only grass-fed donuts