Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

My whole life was a lie.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese