Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
You Might Also Like
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Bro what is this
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
BaD BoY!!
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?