Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
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Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
my astrological sign is a french fry
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*