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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.