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Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
who named him groot and not spruce lee
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.