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This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Everything reminds me of my ex
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Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR