Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.