Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
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“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.