Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
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Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
fr
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.