Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)