want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
OMG 🤣🤣
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.