want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
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Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I wanna be friends with this person
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?