Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.