Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please