Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
this is what they would have looked like, though
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.