Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
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Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
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Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt