Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
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My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?