Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

All set.

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”