Want to talk trash? Recycle.
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me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
i actually laughed 😩
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults