Want to talk trash? Recycle.
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Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Succinctly put.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.