Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Mouse
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
