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could’ve been anyone
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Wait for it
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
Free him
