Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

no exceptions

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack