Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

The Friday File.

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Meow

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.