You Might Also Like
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need