bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
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I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.