Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
OH SHIT WHERE
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.
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*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
You’re way too dumb.
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?
Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.