@ooforth

Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.

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@fro_vo

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

@GrowlyGrego

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

@StephenAtHome

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

@ArfMeasures

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

@djdarrellripley

Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

@tomgara

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

@FeelingEuphoric

two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

@3sunzzz

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.