Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

checking out some reviews of my local library

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster