Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

Camping tip: No.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.