Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Finally, an instrument I can play!
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.