Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.