WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
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Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book