WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
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Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again